This image is all too familiar with those of us who are of the age to be a parent. I can remember this moment in 1980 when the unbelievable was revealed. Two people from two different paths and mindsets came fast and hard to one realization... they were family.
The new normal is that everything is abnormal. Teenagers today are experiencing or either have experienced growing up with two different homes because of divorce, parents too busy to engage with intentionality, having to police themselves, and even sometimes policing their mom or dad. Forget that all of it happens under a pressure cooker filled with over extended schedules and accelerated experiences of pain, addiction, uncertainty, and misdirection.
As a youth pastor, I'm guilty of being one who is content with believing that as long as there are no complaints then the program is fine. For me, I have absorbed the absence of connection with parents and our student ministry as a favor to them or as an exchange built on an understanding that has never been stated. In other words, I think mom and dad love that we are there but see the program as something that is for their kids and not necessarily for them. That is until I get that desperate phone call, "Please help Johnny. I don't know what to do."
In all of this there is conflict within me because of the complexity of it all. Every family is uniquely broken. Too often parents feel the tension between being a parent and giving their kids space verses being a parent and totally forgetting that they have a responsibility and a God given authority.
Here are a few things I want to start teaching mom and dad or grandma and grandpa how to do.
1. Confess your mistakes and reconcile the pain. We all need a fresh start. "I am your father" put Luke and dad on a pathway where everyone was walking out of darkness. If you've been absent, willingly, or unwillingly confessing so will be very hard but you will not be able to have credibility until you do so. Give them tangible things that will be better and act swiftly. Do not expect things to change overnight so be willing to turn over a new leaf for the long haul. Regularly check in on how things have become different by simply asking your child if you have failed.
2. Be physical. I have noted many things in 15 years of working with students and one thing that I see over and over again is how "familia" takes the form of the teenager's friends at school. Although some of their behavior is hormonal, students are more physical at school with friends because nobody is physical with them at home. Mom... Dad... hold your teenager, love them, look them in the eye with your hands on their shoulder and speak with your presence the truth that you love them. Being physical also means that you are there... physically.
3. Be honest with them. Some of you are step parents and you're worried about having permission from your new son or daughter to speak truth to them. But to put it bluntly you married your spouse and when you did you married the things they love. Speak to this and intentionally let your new son or daughter know, "I love your mom and I love what she loves. This means I love you. I don't want to take the place of your dad but because I love the things your mom loves and I want to love your mom well I choose to love you with my life, prayers, and future. I am living out this privilege and responsibility with you." Say this every time there is conflict and everytime you have opportunity to until the credit you have been waiting for is there.
4. Love your spouse. Mom... Dad... marriage is a crock to your teenager. You are their only example. Love and pursue each other with everything you have. Choose to pursue with reckless abandon romance, commitment, dating, and communication. Your kids are watching and absorbing with impending application how they will treat marriage, the opposite sex, and their children.
There might be more than this down the road. What are some things that you want to help mom and dad with in your ministry?
